Tuesday, 31 March 2015

[REVIEW] Illamasqua Gel Colour

I think I've found my Holy Grail blusher. No, I'm serious.

After traipsing through my Twitter feed one boring Friday evening, I noticed Illamasqua had launched a new product or two - Gel Sculpt and Gel Colour. Being a cruelty free brand, I tend to jump on Illamasqua like flies on the proverbial so I started digging around for info on these newbies straight away.

Gel Sculpt is a cooling, gel contour in a handy twist-up stick (think panstick or an obese lipstick) amd comes in a sheer, buildable brown to suit all skin types. I don't really do contouring. I know I should, but blending isn't a key skill of mine and I just tend to end up looking grubby. So it was the Gel Colour that got me going...

Gel Colour is a cooling, gel blush in a handy twist-up stick (notice a pattern developing here?) It comes in two shades; Charm, a blinding orange and Fluster, an equally blinding pink with blue undertones. I was almost immediately put off, but checked out the moving swatches on the Illamasqua website and realised that they are reassuringly sheer. Straight away I put Fluster in my basket and hopped off to the checkout, but something stopped me. I always go for pinky blushers! I'm super pale and frankly my complexion can look a bit grey sometimes. My immediate reaction was that there was no way on Earth I was going for an orange blusher!

I left Fluster in my basket for about three hours while I ruminated on the prospect of YOLO. Eventually I decided that I should give Charm a try. VERY GOOD IDEA. GOOD JOB, CARLY!

First off, the shade is perfect! It's a beautiful peach, building up to a lovely coral. I've been after a peachy blusher for a while now (I'm obsessed with all things peachy at the moment, see my last post!) and this is exactly what I wanted - a sheer, summery colour that looks natural and works with my skin tone.

Secondly the formula... wow. I keep seeing people with this beautiful, almost post-coital looking glow to them, like they're "lit from within." I don't always want it to look like I'm wearing product, sometimes I just want that "just bonked" look! (Sorry Mum.) The gel formulation is perfect for this. It doesn't look like I'm wearing blusher, it looks like I actually have some blood circulation in my friggin' face. I don't look as ashen and flat, just gently glowing. There's no shimmer, no glitter, no greasiness, but there's no chalky matt texture either. It looks like I'm blushing, which is kind of the bloody point!

So now I want Fluster for Winter and I'm even tempted to try the Gel Sculpt, Silhouette. They'll have to wait until payday as £22 a pop isn't cheap, but I look like a healty human being now rather than a potato-face, and who can put a price on that?

Carly Kawai xoxo

Thursday, 26 March 2015

I Like This Stuff: March 2015

Spring is finally here which means I'm making a concious effort to be less of a crank! It feels morally wrong to be grouchy when the sun is shining, so I've made a little list of some things I've been enjoying this month:

Rosehip Oil

If you've seen me looking glowy recently, NOPE I'm not pregnant. NOPE I haven't been on holiday. NOPE I haven't magically started eating healthily and exercising. Although I REALLY need to start doing that... It's rosehip oil.

I have oily, acne-prone skin by nature and when you throw hormones into the mix, my face becomes a veritable shitstorm of filth. Due to this I avoided oil-based beauty products like the plague for many years and when I finally succumbed, I would only use either jojoba oil or Lush's Ultrabland as everything else felt too heavy and pore-clogging. However, Father Time is a cruel master and I'm 28 this year. I am no spring chicken, in fact I'm starting to look a little southern fried these days.

Oh yes, the lines, the bags, the crags of age are creeping in. Over a decade of smoking and a lifetime of dehydration and eating processed filth are starting to take their toll. (I gave up smoking last October, for the record.) I've realised that I need something a little more intense and antioxiwhatsit to add the my skincare regime. I'd heard about rosehip oil on various blogs and on Pinterest and figured it was worth a shot. It's a "dry" oil so although it's highly nourishing, it sinks into my skin without leaving it greasy. I've been using a couple of drops as a night time moisturiser and I've been waking up to plumper, smoother skin witj a glow to it. My skin tone also looks more even and old acne scars are fading. Win.

Picture credit - amazon.com - I get my rosehip oil from enaissance.co.uk which I will link when the Blogger app lets me add links properly...

Herb Gardening

The only time my thumb is green is due to a bottle green manicure (Illamasqua polish in Kink, if you're interested) but now that I live in a house as opposed to a second floor crapcasket apartment, I have a garden.

And it's massive.

Don't get me wrong, we're not talking acres and hectares here, but it's big enough to have a decked area, a shed, flowerbeds and lawn big enough to dread mowing it. The lawn takes up the majority of the plot and the flower beds already have flowers in them, so that's that sorted. We can't change the garden drastically as it's rented, but I wanted to grow something. I've killed every houseplant I've ever owned, including a cactus, but I'm determined to nurture something to maturity.

Being the big foodie/skincare junkie that I am I decided that whatever I grew needed to be edible or medicinal, preferably both. First on the list is herbs. I went out, bought a big, pretty container, compost and starter plants. One day I will grow something from seed but I'm patient and don't have time for all the f**kery that comes with looking after that shit.

So in my kitchen-garden so far we have parsley, chives, lemon thyme, purple sage, rosemary and spearmint. Check back for updates as to how utterly deceased they get over the next few months!

Picture by me. Not only do I grow stuff good, I photograph stuff good too!


I've become a little obsessed with all things peachy recently. I used to detect peaches and anything peach flavoured, so this turn of events has taken me by surprise. I'm dowing peach iced tea, scoffing peach yoghurt and chowing peaches in custard like they're going out of fashion. Peach season isn't until June and I'm scratching off the days in this culinary prision until I can stuff my chubby little face with fresh, ripe, peachy goodness.

What have you been enjoying this month? Let me know in the comments or over at the Facebook page.

Carly Kawaii xoxo

Tuesday, 24 March 2015

Eddie, or "Things I've Learned About Cats"

Let me tell you the story of Eddie, the World's Shittest Cat.

So my partner and I thought it would be a good idea to get a cat, right? We'd just moved into our first house together (no more apartments wooooo!) and my brother had decided that he wanted to move in permanently with his girlfriend. It was just Mr Kawaii and I in a 3 bed semi detatched house and it felt like we needed some furry company. We both work long hours and weird shifts, so we can go days barely seeing each other, just ships passing in the night or whatever the phrase is. We needed fluffy snuggles to keep us going when we're apart for a while.

We looked on the website for our local shelter. We wanted a fun, young, hip cat with big eyes and lots of smiles and purrs! Pick A Cat Day arrives and we go to the shelter ready to pick our new buddy. The lady who greeted us asked if we had any experience with cats, then asked if we'd met Eddie, a very shy, timid, long term resident.

Eddie looked like a meth tweaker. He was skinny, not much cop in the grooming department, had gloopy eyes, patches of fur missing and had about 4 teeth left in his entire head. He had a dazed look in his eye. The shelter lady told us he'd had most of his teeth out the day before and was still a bit spaced on painkillers. "People overlook Eddie because he's 8 years old and he's VERY shy" she said. Yeah, and he looks like a crackwhore. That probably puts people off a bit... He'd spent time as a stray and was in a bad way when he was found. He was a total scaredy cat and needed to be in a home where he could learn to come out of his shell.

We go round the shelter and look at all the other (more adorable) kitties. We ooh and ahh over the cute cats who come over to us for a fuss and don't look like Jeremy Kyle guests. But in the back of my mind I keep thinking "What about Eddie? He's a mess. No-one will want him." He'd already been there for months with no joy. Mr Kawaii is no fool. He knew straight away that, against my better judgement, I'd fall for the first pathetic charity case I found. "You want Eddie, don't you? Shall we give poor Eddie his forever home?"

Fast forward a few days. I'm in work and I get a phone call telling me that our furry, drug-addled bundle of joy is waiting for me at home. Eddie has been with us two months now and this is what I've learned in that short time:

1) Cats get prettier when you look after them. After a few weeks of decent food his coat went silky soft and less greasy looking. His eyes are still a goopy mess and he HATES having them cleaned. Especially when I accidentally poked him in the eye, didn't like that one bit.

2) Even the quietest kitty will scream in your face when they want feeding. They will then try to trip you up while you try to open the pouch of meaty mush as quick you can in order to get him to shut the eff up.

3) Cats fart, then leave the room. Enjoy.

4) You can spend your entire salary on fancy toys but it is the cat's perogative to ignore all the expensive crap you buy and refuse to play with anything other than string. Eddie doesn't like laser pens which is how I know he is dead inside and doesn't have a soul.

5) Getting a cat into a carrier is like trying to split an atom with a spoon. Eddie was so furious that we even ATTEMPTED to take him to the vet that he vomited all over our new rug. I swear to God I heard him cackling with glee as he ran off.

6) Sometimes a cat will take a dump with his butt hanging outside of the litter tray and there is nothing you can do about it. I can't even. Send help.

7) They will also time their poops in order for you to fully appreciate the aroma. Eddie knows I get home from work at 10.30pm. He could poop at 9pm so that the stench could die down, but nope. 10.20pm. Oh and he has a sensitive tummy so if I'm super lucky it will be diahorrea which is JUST GREAT.

8) Sometimes you will wake up and find the cat is resting his butthole directly on your chin. It happens.

9) Cats are not the affectionate, darling creatures I had been led to believe. If they don't want strokes, they get up, give you the old shitty eye, then turn their back on you. This happens frequently, especially to me. He'll sit with Mr Kawaii for hours on end, but if I go near him he buggars off.

10) Regardless of how old, ugly, boring, antisocial, skittish or annoying a cat is, if you let your guard down, it'll melt your heart. So don't show emotion around them, they see it as weakness and exploit your vulnerability by doing things like "being cute" or "showing affection".

Carly Kawaii xoxo

Monday, 14 April 2014

[Blogger Love ♥] - Liquid Grain

Lurrrrvely big blogosphere shoutout to the amazing Kathryn over at Liquid Grain! I was lucky enough to win these beautiful Poprageous Gatsby leggings in her latest giveaway and I couldn't be happier with them. I'm a massive Black Milk fan and didn't think I could be swayed by another company, but the print quality and fabric are just as fab (plus if I'm honest, the waistband is much comfier on my pudding belly!)

Liquid Grain is a fab fashion and lifestyle blog, with what I like to call "Real Girl Fashion"... a lot of blogs I see show looks that are stunning but impractical for day to day wear. Kathryn's looks are, however, much more my kind of thing. Beautiful everyday looks, smart but laid back, casual but not sloppy, always effortless, never try-hard. I'm no expert, as most of my dabbles into fashion end up with me looking like I slept in a clothes bank, but I believe fashion is for every day, not just for special occasions. The looks over at Liquid Grain capture that idea perfectly in my eyes. Plus the photography is stunning, lots of "on location" shoots in beautiful surroundings.

Thanks again to Kathryn for the pretty leggings (yeah y'all bitches know DiCaprio is gonna want me in these bad boys) and you lot can catch her over at Liquid Grain.

Here's me. Not on location. In my messy bedroom. But with awesome pants.

Carly Kawaii xoxo

Wednesday, 9 April 2014

50 Things I Want To Do In 2014 - UPDATE

19) Get in a hot tub

In March I was lucky enough to get to stay in a super cool cabin in Sherwood Forest near Nottingham to celebrate my brother-in-law's 30th birthday. There was 8 of us in total, 4 couples, and we got to hang out together for 4 days but we also got to go off and do individual activities too. Tim and I decided to visit the Go Ape Treetop Adventure, which is a fantastic network of ziplines and Tarzan swings through the treetops of Sherwood Forest. However, one activity that everyone wanted to do except me was clay pigeon shooting. I'm not a big fan of guns. They're noisy, ammo is expensive and apparently they're lethal weapons or something? Screw that. So whilst everybody was off disturbing the peaceful countryside, I made use of the cabin's biggest, bestest feature.

21) Eat only vegetarian foods for 3 days

SMASHED this one, son. I started eating vegetarian on the 8th of March and still haven't stopped! Apart from an accident with some non-veggie Parmesan one time, but lesson learned. (Read the damn labels.) I'm not really missing meat, as I'm a massive Quorn fan and wasn't a fan of pork, lamb or turkey anyway, but I do get cravings for chicken and beef occasionally. It's cut my fast food consumption right down because, let's face it, veggie options at fast food places suck a fat one.

30) Try 5 new foods

Being vegetarian sort of made this a necessity. I'm now a proud consumer of courgette (pointless vegetable, no taste, weird texture but I can live with it,) couscous (why did no-one tell me how freaking delicious this is?!) asparagus (no funny wee smell as of yet) chickpeas and kidney beans.

Have you set yourself any challenges for the months/year ahead? Let me know!#

Carly Kawaii xoxo

50 Things I Want To Do in 2014

2014 is shaping up to be a pretty intense year already. I've been super busy and I'm really trying to get out of my lazy habits. I've been trying to become more goal orientated, as opposed to my usual habit of just drifting through life and seeing where it takes me. So in January I started a list of things I'd like to try to do/see/visit/achieve this year. Some are massive lifestyle changes, and some are just silly things. I'm going to try and keep you up to date on where I am with this list, and I've already managed to cross some off already!

1) Lose 3 stone

2) Find a new job

3) Spend at least 1 hour a week outside

4) Get out of debt

5) Keep a journal

6) Join a library

7) Wear a bikini

8) Decopatch my papier mache stag head

9) Write a love letter

10) Make soup from scratch

11) Eat completely clean for 3 days

12) Sell an item of Black Milk

13) Learn to do professional style makeup

14) Go on a thrift shop splurge

15) 29 Day ReBoot yoga challenge

16) Donate money to charity by Direct Debit

17) Cut up a credit card

18) Do a yoga session outside

19) Get in a hot tub

20) Visit a jazz club

21) Eat only vegetarian foods for 3 days

22) Make a pizza from scratch

23) Learn to hula hoop

24) Throw a dinner party

25) Make gyoza

26) Spend time meditating

27) Full housekeeping once a week

28) Grow my hair long

29) Swim in the sea or a lake

30) Try 5 new foods

31) Read 5 "classic" novels

32) Make a Youtube video

33) Take more photographs of Tim and I together

34) See a live band that doesn't have Ben Gibbard in it

35) Grow a plant from seed

36) Save for a trip or holiday

37) Make vitamins a daily habit

38) Make staying hydrated a daily habit

39) Make a list of my top five songs of all time

40) Make a list of my top five films of all time

41) Change the decor in the kitchen from cute kitsch to Mexican

42) Make or buy a headboard for the bed

43) Join a gym

44) Eat only vegan foods for 3 days

45) Earn a new qualification

46) Pay my credit card off

47) Visit Delamere Forest

48) Visit Lake Windermere

49) Try vegan cheese

50) Start driving lessons
I'll start my updates in a new post... this one's superlisty and long already!

Friday, 21 February 2014

[REVIEW] Go Nom Here - Free State Kitchen

Do you ever get those cravings where you HAVE to have a burger? And the burger has to be a specific type of burger? I got that yesterday. I HAD to have a cheeseburger. But it had to be a proper, juicy, oozy American cheeseburger, and it had to have a brioche bun. So off Tim and I toddled to Free State Kitchen.

Located in the heart of Liverpool near the Philharmonic Hall, this is a little American joint. By little, I mean tiny. Usually that would piss me off a bit, but here it kind of worked. It created an initmate, exclusive space. It had a kind of "supper club" vibe about it, almost like it was someone's home. The decor was classy, not bare but not overly fussy. There's also a "secret garden" which I assume is an outdoor dining space, but due to the fact that it's bloody freezing, it wasn't being used so we didn't see it.

The menu is pretty authentic Americana. Burgers, hotdogs, Philly Cheesesteaks and so on, with classic deserts such as Key Lime and peach pies. To start, we decided on a portion of Maryland crab cakes with citrus wedges. I don't really eat crab, but I was pleasantly surprised by these. They were so full of meat, none of this potatoey mush I've had in other joints. They were seasoned with Old Bay, a very popular US seasoning, which we're big fans of.

For mains, I went for The American Cheeseburger. The whole reason I was there, remember. 5oz beef chuck patty, brioche bun (yessss!), American cheese (sssscore!), fresh onion, ketchup, mustard. No mention of salad. GOOD. If I want that green growing stuff on my food I'll ask for it, but don't hold your breath. Ugh. Salad. Tim went for The Scooch Burger. Beef patty, Italian deli meats, cheese, hot sweet peppers, roasted red peppers dressed with olive oil and balsamic vinegar and it comes on one of those beautiful brioche buns. Omnomnom.

The menu states that the burgers are served medium unless you ask otherwise. I'm usually a "well done" kinda gal but I'm trying to teach myself that meat doesn't have to be incinerated to be safe, so I stuck with medium. If that's what the chef recommends then I'll give it a go. When it arrived (looking b-e-a-utiful) I sliced it open and... well... it wasn't medium. I'm not entirely sure the cow was even dead. Tim said "That looks a bit rare for you, do you want me to send it back?" "Nooooo, I'm sure it will be fine." We were eating in a rush and we were cutting it fine for time as it was, so I didn't fancy a wait for a replacement. I should mention here that the food was very quick to arrive!

I got halfway through it before the neon red interior and the blood soaking into the bun put me off. I gave the rest to Tim and tucked into the beautiful golden fries with rosemary salt. "Nuh-uh. No way. I can't eat that. It's too rare even for me. It's cooked, but barely!" My fiancé is a massive carnivore, so if he won't eat it, I don't know how I managed it. It didn't taste bad, there was plenty of flavour in the cheese, bun and fixings, but the rawness of it meant it lost out on that savoury, umami flavour that a burger should have. We mentioned it to our very lovely waitress, who took it off our bill, even though we told her she didn't need to as I'd stupidly eaten most of it.

Apart from the still-mooing burger, we couldn't fault the place. Tim's burger was a perfect medium and the whole thing was bursting with flavour, sweet, spicy and salty all at once but perfectly balanced. The brioche buns were exactly what I was craving, the cheeses were oozy, the fries were crisp and flavoursome. The additions to my burger were tasty (take note, other American restaurants: use American cheese. Cheddar is not the same!) and they even give you a jar of pickles to help yourself to!

Drinks were the usual, with the addition of American sodas, such as Vanilla Coke, Pepsi Wild Cherry and Mello Yello. There was even IBC Root Beer, one of Tim's favourite brands.  He's quite the root beer connoisseur, you know! As we were pushed for time, we didn't get chance to try the dessert, but you know damn well that spiced peach pie is going straight in my facehole next time we go.

And yes, there will be a next time. An undercooked burger is no great health threat and it's a problem easily overcome. It didn't spoil the meal and it certainly won't put me off going again. In fact, I'm really excited to try the burger again cooked to my liking! Everything else was so tasty that I just KNOW I'm gonna love it once they get it right. Of course, then I need to try the Philly Cheesesteak, and the peach pie, and the onion rings... plus the bill came in an Old Bay tin. Too cute not to experience again! The prices were reasonable (apart from the American sodas, £2.50 for a single can of non-import Vanilla Coke is a bit cheeky!) and reflected the quality of the food.

[Likes] the decor, the atmosphere, the menu, the staff, the wait time, the authentic touches.
[Dislikes] the super-rare burger, the non-import soda at import prices.
★★★★ 4/5 stars, definitely recommend!
Free State Kitchen, 1 Maryland St, Liverpool,  L1 9DE. Open 7 days.
Have you been to FSK?  What would you recommend from their menu?

Sunday, 16 February 2014

very late. much award. amaze. such thankyou. wow.

Good Lord, I'm surprised this blog still exists! It's been so long since I wrote anything that I'm amazed the Internets haven't just spontaneously deleted it.

In my absence from the blogosphere, I was nominated for a Liebster Award! Woot! Thank you to the lovely, stylish Kathryn W over at Liquid Grain for my nomination.

Okay, so the rules are I have to answer Kathryn's questions about myself, nominate some bloggers with under 200 followers and ask them a set of ten questions I have prepared. ( I do not have any questions prepared. They will be made up as they go along. You are mistaken in thinking I plan for this kinda stuff.)

My questions: 
1 - What is closest to your right hand (except from computer)? My house keys and a chakra balancing bracelet. I'm not wearing it, it's just sat there. Balancing the coffee table's chakras.
2 - Do you have any pets? I do, he's adorable! He's called Tim, he has dark curly fur, I feed him little treats.
Oh no wait, that's my partner. No then. I have a small cactus collection. Does that count?
3 - What colour of hair do you wish you could have? I have had ALL THE COLOURS. Like, literally all of them. I couldn't pick a favourite, and I change my mind so often, so I guess my answer to this is "The opposite on the colour wheel to whatever colour I have at any given moment."
4 - Any tattoos?  Tell me about them! I have three! I have ivy leaves on my right hip, for resilience, a heart-shaped padlock on my upper back that matches one my partner has and a kingfisher with an anchor for my grandparents who are unfortunately no long with us.
5 - Have you ever tried Irn Bru? I probably have when I was a tiny kid but I don't remember! I'm not really a big soda drinker though.
Oh no wait, I HAVE tried it. It was at Corporation with my friend Cara back in her student days. 70p for a vodka and Irn Bru. Did I like it? I have no idea, I was rat arsed. Rightly so.
6 - Favourite food? Are you serious? This is torture! I can't pick just one! Seriously, just one? Cheese. On everything.
7 - Must have make up? Illamasqua Powder Foundation in shade 135. If they ever discontinue this, I will commit hara-kiri outside my local counter. No messin'.
8 - Your favourite place in Scotland?  Either to visit or would like to visit? I've never been, but Edinburgh Fringe Festival sounds legendary.
9 - Your favourite subject at school? History, hands down. Nazi Germany is my Mastermind subject. Maniacal despots in general fascinate me.
10 - What colour are your nails painted? The small scraps of polish clinging on for dear life onto my chipped, scratched, peeling nails are Baptiste by Illamasqua.

Well that clears that up.

I have two nominees, because I am waaaay out of touch with who is blogging these days. I hereby nominate with the power vested in me: Bill at Hipyeti and Helen over at Beautiful Curiosities and here are my questions.

  1. What is your favourite cheese?
  2. Favourite country in the world?
  3. Name a famous person who inspires you?
  4. Three things you'd take to a desert island?
  5. What's your greatest fear?
  6. Who would win in a fight between Chuck Norris and Mr T and why?
  7. Your favourite musical artist/band and your favourite song by them?
  8. Cat or dog person?
  9. Do you believe in Love at first sight?
  10. Your proudest achievement... big yourself up!
Thanks again to Kathryn W make sure you check out Bill and Helen's blogs and give them big love and smooches from me.

Carly Kawaii xoxo

Tuesday, 7 May 2013

"Customer Services, How May I Help You?"

[Dedicated to all my Customer Service Brethren around the world, both on the field and those who made it out alive...]

Readers who know me personally will know where I work, what I do, and therefore the utter bollocks my job entails. I won't go into detail here because the company/industry/role I work in is, for all intents and purposes, irrelevant. This post is written to highlight how utterly awful and selfish people can be when they don't get what they want. Most customers are I deal with are lovely, and I can settle any differences with them in a calm, civilised manner (or in the case of one batshit insane but awesome customer, arm wrestling. Yeah that happened...) but there are just some arse-faced, knuckle-dragging mouth breathers that cannot be reasoned with. They are everywhere. It has reached epidemic proportions. It doesn't matter if you sell clothes, food, double glazing, entertainment, whatever. Knobhead Customers are out there. I don't know if they're getting worse or if I'm getting bitter and cynical in my old age.

I present to you the Kawaii Guide to Being a Knobhead Customer:-
1) The most important thing to remember whilst being a Knobhead Customer [KC] is that the Customer Service Assistant [CSA] is being paid for your abuse. It is their job to put up with you, and therefore your God-given right to give them as much shit as possible. After all, as a customer it is you personally who is paying their wages, not the company.
2) Irrespective of who is to blame for any problems you may encounter during your purchase/service, please ensure you blame the CSA. It does not matter if you've forgotten your wallet, or your receipt, or you filled a form in wrong, or you missed a refund deadline, the CSA is the one to blame. If you suspect that you have made a mistake, lie through clenched teeth and blame the CSA anyway. Under no circumstances must you admit guilt and/or apologise. That is not the KC way.
3) Even though your transaction is strictly business, feel free to insult your CSA personally. Use foul language whenever possible. Standard insults include:
Fat bitch / Ugly dog [ALWAYS make a comment on appearance if your CSA is female. They LOVE that.]
F**king slag
Stupid cow
C**t -  [Note: To be used by Higher Tier KC's only, not for beginners.]
4) Threatening your CSA when you don't get your own way is standard procedure. Common phrases to use include:
I'm gonna sue you / I'll see you in court.
I'll be waiting for you after work.
I'll knock your f**king head off.
You can sometimes get your point across quicker if you throw something at the CSA. Screwed up paper works well, as do pens. Save chairs for extreme cases (i.e when inebriated.)
5) Ask as many stupid questions as you see fit. Repeat the question even after you have been given the answer. CSA's have infinite patience and especially love dealing with the types of KC who should wear hard-hats and play with crayons. They are aslo psychic and should know exactly what it is you want from them without you having to explain yourself.
6) If the CSA shows signs of retaliation (AKA "having a spine") remember that you can always demand an audience with the Manager. If the Manager is already the person dealing with your nonsense, threaten to ring the Customer Services Department / Senior Manager / your lawyer. Due to the economy, CSA's are frightened are losing their jobs, and will be much happier to attend to your bullshit demands if their employment is threatened.
8) In the (extremely) rare occurrence that the Customer Services Department / Senior Mangers side with your CSA, you must do your best to cause as a big a fuss as possible. Make it know that you will NEVER bless them with your custom again, and will be instructing friends/family/passers by to boycott the store. Of course, you have every intention of returning, as you are far too lazy to go elsewhere, but that is the KC's prerogative.
9) Pretend to be nice instead of a KC, by being seemingly polite but getting a sly little dig in there. Make statements such as "Ooh the weather's too nice to be in work today, isn't it?" <-- SUPER EFFECTIVE if you happen to be a workshy dole-ite who wouldn't know what a job looked like if it bit him.
10) You have been successful in your Knobheaddery if you make your CSA
A) Irritated.
B) Angry.
C) Cry.
D) Get signed off work, sick with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
E) Quit their job. 
F) Have to be physically restrained by other staff members/police because they're trying to rip off your genitals and staple them to your face.

Feel free to post your experiences with Knobhead Customers in the comments below. I feel for each and every one of you!
Carly Kawaii (^_^) x

Sunday, 7 April 2013

The One Woman United Nations.

Kim Jong-un is getting all warmongery this week. The Supeme Fatboy of Naughty Korea is threatening all-out nuclear war with the United States. Now, I don't do world politics. I'm not going to stand here and pretend I know what this posturing is all about. My understanding of the situation is that Kim Jong-Kardashian is on his man-period (or is a right diva when he's hungry) and is basically trying to prove to the world that his balls are bigger than his Daddy's were, so he decides to provoke the world's biggest superpower to prove his might. Knowing full well that his nuclear missiles couldn't blow up a balloon, let alone a country on the other side of the planet, he decides to threaten America; with Hawaii and Guam likely targets. Oh, and poor South Korea, a country which has never done anything mean to anyone except unleash Gangnam Style upon us, and I'm pretty sure that was just an accidental faux pas.
It got me thinking about how I'd sort out the situation, like if I somehow had divine rule over the planet. My ideas are as follows;
● Some people are up in arms over the nuclear limitations placed on Naughty Korea. "They just want to harness nuclear energy!" they say. "America should just let them have nuclear material!" NO! Kim Jong-un is an effing crazy despot, and the first rule of dealing with effing crazy despots is YOU DO NOT LET THEM PLAY WITH ANYTHING THAT BLOWS UP OR MELTS DOWN! You give them crayons, and a hard hat.
● Kimmy would be toppled from power (literally toppled, judging by how many cakes that guy can put away) by his own people and they will form a nice cozy democracy where the people are looked after and not left so hungry that they start digging up dead family members to eat them.
● America would have all their nukes taken off them. Sorry, Obama seems like a decent guy but I remember George Bush Jr and I wouldn't trust him to open a packet of crisps, let alone a missile launching red button. Nuh-uh. Americans like blowing shit up way too much. All nuclear weapons will be entrusted to peaceloving Switzerland for safe keepsies.
● The islands of Hawaii and Guam would be moved a bit closer to the west. Just so they're out of range of any rogues missiles. They're too pretty to be destroyed.
Seeeeee? Fab ideas. I'm expecting an email from the UN any minute now. What about you? What would you do?