I have wine poisoning. Go on, laugh. I am well accustomed to being mocked. I am a lightweight and I cannot handle my drink. What of it?
I am not going to bore you with the details of how I got so pissed. It's the usual story. Girl goes to party; girl feels socially awkward; girl drinks copious amounts of wine to boost confidence; girl makes fool of self; girl goes home and sings to dinner while she cooks it. You know the drill.
I have it on good authority that I did indeed sing to the chicken fajitas I was attempting to cook. I am unaware of the exact lyrics, and Mr Kawaii tells me that he was too busy giggling to himself to take any notice of my harmonious melody, but it goes a little something like this:
"I'm gonna eat you, little chick-EN,
I'm gonna eat you little chick-EN,
You are gonna taste nice in my bell-EE,
I just got red pepper on the ov-EN...
...SHIT THAT HOB IS HOT!
I burnt my hand, little chick-EN
I'm gonna eat you in tortill-AA
I'm gonna eat you with sour crEEEam
I am gonna nom you in a minute..."
Y'know, or words to that effect.
As I ate the (luckily fully cooked) fajitas, I proceeded to announce that Bear Grylls is an "enormous tosser" and asked why he doesn't "defrost his eyeballs." Shortly after this rather malicious outburst I feel asleep on the sofa. This is the weird bit. I have a vague recollection of Mr Kawaii persuading me to haul ass off the sofa and go to bed. It seems I then launched into an absolute tirade of nonsense. I have no idea what I actually said to him, but he assures me that whatever utter bullshit I was spouting made no sense whatsoever and left him rather confused as to whether or not I planned to comply with his request. My jibber-jabber was misconstrued as an attack upon him, as I seemed in a rather bad mood. He gave up and went to bed alone. leaving me on the sofa.
Understandably I am feeling a bit of a delicate flower today. I had to have a large Burger King meal to make myself feel better, washed down with icy cold Coke. Mostest awesomest hangover cure ever.
So take note, ladies (and gents who pretend they "appreciate" wine)... if you have drunk enough wine to start singing to your food, insulting survival experts and start speaking back to front, then you have drunk too much. Either knock it off, or record it and send it to me so I can see what a tosspot I looked.