I bloody hate January.
No, scratch that. I bloody hate December
I'd been doing so well on my diet. I managed to lose nearly a stone in two months and then Winter came along, with all it's stodgey-food deliciousness. Then came Christmas, with all it's European Market, cheese-smothered potato, Starbucks-swilling, eat-26-mince-pies-in-one-go, happy, twinkly, glittery shit. I'm now pretty much back where I started, and my holiday to Orlando is in June. JUNE. That's only 5 months away and I've got 38lbs to lose. I might as well throw myself under a bus. The only way I'm going to lose three 3st is if I lose a leg or something. So begins the January Detox...
The Rules Of Detox Club.
The First Rule of Detox Club is that you must talk about Detox Club.
The Second Rule of Detox Club is that you MUST talk about Detox Club.
All the time. To anyone who'll listen. The more people know about your sins, the less likely you are to fall back into gluttony. Honestly, make sure you chew people's ears off about how healthy you're trying to get. (Do not actually chew people's actual ears off. It's frowned upon, and you'll be wasting precious calories consuming ears that could be better spent on beer.)
The Third Rule of Detox Club is that if you consume processed sugar, white bread, white rice or white pasta, the Detox is over.
Start again. Eat green, growing things. Only eat things that reproduce, or came from something that reproduced. Ugh, that sounds grim. Forget I said anything...
The Fourth Rule Of Detox Club is that if you fail to lose the correct amount of weight each week, blame the scales.
It is not that sneaky biscuit you ate, or the cheeky beer after work. It's definitely not the large Dominos pizza you ate to yourself. It's the scales. The numbers are wrong. You're wearing your heavy jeans. You're wearing your hair extensions, you haven't been for a poo today...it's not your fault. You did everything right, right? (Wrong. Stop eating pizza, fatty!)
The Fifth, and Final, Rule of Detox Club is that January Detox does not end on the 1st of February.
The name is a lie. You have to carry on going, or you're going to put all the weight straight back on and all those toxins straight back in. You have to keep on going until you have the body you desire. Then repeat.
So far I've had two cigarettes, cheese sandwiches, an entire box of chocolates and a bag of popcorn. It's not going so well. "HALP!!11!!!1!"