Sunday, 7 April 2013

The One Woman United Nations.

Kim Jong-un is getting all warmongery this week. The Supeme Fatboy of Naughty Korea is threatening all-out nuclear war with the United States. Now, I don't do world politics. I'm not going to stand here and pretend I know what this posturing is all about. My understanding of the situation is that Kim Jong-Kardashian is on his man-period (or is a right diva when he's hungry) and is basically trying to prove to the world that his balls are bigger than his Daddy's were, so he decides to provoke the world's biggest superpower to prove his might. Knowing full well that his nuclear missiles couldn't blow up a balloon, let alone a country on the other side of the planet, he decides to threaten America; with Hawaii and Guam likely targets. Oh, and poor South Korea, a country which has never done anything mean to anyone except unleash Gangnam Style upon us, and I'm pretty sure that was just an accidental faux pas.
It got me thinking about how I'd sort out the situation, like if I somehow had divine rule over the planet. My ideas are as follows;
● Some people are up in arms over the nuclear limitations placed on Naughty Korea. "They just want to harness nuclear energy!" they say. "America should just let them have nuclear material!" NO! Kim Jong-un is an effing crazy despot, and the first rule of dealing with effing crazy despots is YOU DO NOT LET THEM PLAY WITH ANYTHING THAT BLOWS UP OR MELTS DOWN! You give them crayons, and a hard hat.
● Kimmy would be toppled from power (literally toppled, judging by how many cakes that guy can put away) by his own people and they will form a nice cozy democracy where the people are looked after and not left so hungry that they start digging up dead family members to eat them.
● America would have all their nukes taken off them. Sorry, Obama seems like a decent guy but I remember George Bush Jr and I wouldn't trust him to open a packet of crisps, let alone a missile launching red button. Nuh-uh. Americans like blowing shit up way too much. All nuclear weapons will be entrusted to peaceloving Switzerland for safe keepsies.
● The islands of Hawaii and Guam would be moved a bit closer to the west. Just so they're out of range of any rogues missiles. They're too pretty to be destroyed.
Seeeeee? Fab ideas. I'm expecting an email from the UN any minute now. What about you? What would you do?

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