Tuesday, 7 May 2013

"Customer Services, How May I Help You?"

[Dedicated to all my Customer Service Brethren around the world, both on the field and those who made it out alive...]

Readers who know me personally will know where I work, what I do, and therefore the utter bollocks my job entails. I won't go into detail here because the company/industry/role I work in is, for all intents and purposes, irrelevant. This post is written to highlight how utterly awful and selfish people can be when they don't get what they want. Most customers are I deal with are lovely, and I can settle any differences with them in a calm, civilised manner (or in the case of one batshit insane but awesome customer, arm wrestling. Yeah that happened...) but there are just some arse-faced, knuckle-dragging mouth breathers that cannot be reasoned with. They are everywhere. It has reached epidemic proportions. It doesn't matter if you sell clothes, food, double glazing, entertainment, whatever. Knobhead Customers are out there. I don't know if they're getting worse or if I'm getting bitter and cynical in my old age.

I present to you the Kawaii Guide to Being a Knobhead Customer:-
1) The most important thing to remember whilst being a Knobhead Customer [KC] is that the Customer Service Assistant [CSA] is being paid for your abuse. It is their job to put up with you, and therefore your God-given right to give them as much shit as possible. After all, as a customer it is you personally who is paying their wages, not the company.
2) Irrespective of who is to blame for any problems you may encounter during your purchase/service, please ensure you blame the CSA. It does not matter if you've forgotten your wallet, or your receipt, or you filled a form in wrong, or you missed a refund deadline, the CSA is the one to blame. If you suspect that you have made a mistake, lie through clenched teeth and blame the CSA anyway. Under no circumstances must you admit guilt and/or apologise. That is not the KC way.
3) Even though your transaction is strictly business, feel free to insult your CSA personally. Use foul language whenever possible. Standard insults include:
Fat bitch / Ugly dog [ALWAYS make a comment on appearance if your CSA is female. They LOVE that.]
F**king slag
Stupid cow
C**t -  [Note: To be used by Higher Tier KC's only, not for beginners.]
4) Threatening your CSA when you don't get your own way is standard procedure. Common phrases to use include:
I'm gonna sue you / I'll see you in court.
I'll be waiting for you after work.
I'll knock your f**king head off.
You can sometimes get your point across quicker if you throw something at the CSA. Screwed up paper works well, as do pens. Save chairs for extreme cases (i.e when inebriated.)
5) Ask as many stupid questions as you see fit. Repeat the question even after you have been given the answer. CSA's have infinite patience and especially love dealing with the types of KC who should wear hard-hats and play with crayons. They are aslo psychic and should know exactly what it is you want from them without you having to explain yourself.
6) If the CSA shows signs of retaliation (AKA "having a spine") remember that you can always demand an audience with the Manager. If the Manager is already the person dealing with your nonsense, threaten to ring the Customer Services Department / Senior Manager / your lawyer. Due to the economy, CSA's are frightened are losing their jobs, and will be much happier to attend to your bullshit demands if their employment is threatened.
8) In the (extremely) rare occurrence that the Customer Services Department / Senior Mangers side with your CSA, you must do your best to cause as a big a fuss as possible. Make it know that you will NEVER bless them with your custom again, and will be instructing friends/family/passers by to boycott the store. Of course, you have every intention of returning, as you are far too lazy to go elsewhere, but that is the KC's prerogative.
9) Pretend to be nice instead of a KC, by being seemingly polite but getting a sly little dig in there. Make statements such as "Ooh the weather's too nice to be in work today, isn't it?" <-- SUPER EFFECTIVE if you happen to be a workshy dole-ite who wouldn't know what a job looked like if it bit him.
10) You have been successful in your Knobheaddery if you make your CSA
A) Irritated.
B) Angry.
C) Cry.
D) Get signed off work, sick with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
E) Quit their job. 
F) Have to be physically restrained by other staff members/police because they're trying to rip off your genitals and staple them to your face.

Feel free to post your experiences with Knobhead Customers in the comments below. I feel for each and every one of you!
Carly Kawaii (^_^) x


Kathryn W said...

Oh no :/ I nominated you for a Liebster Award though ! http://liquidgrain.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/liebster-award.html

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