Tuesday, 24 March 2015

Eddie, or "Things I've Learned About Cats"

Let me tell you the story of Eddie, the World's Shittest Cat.

So my partner and I thought it would be a good idea to get a cat, right? We'd just moved into our first house together (no more apartments wooooo!) and my brother had decided that he wanted to move in permanently with his girlfriend. It was just Mr Kawaii and I in a 3 bed semi detatched house and it felt like we needed some furry company. We both work long hours and weird shifts, so we can go days barely seeing each other, just ships passing in the night or whatever the phrase is. We needed fluffy snuggles to keep us going when we're apart for a while.

We looked on the website for our local shelter. We wanted a fun, young, hip cat with big eyes and lots of smiles and purrs! Pick A Cat Day arrives and we go to the shelter ready to pick our new buddy. The lady who greeted us asked if we had any experience with cats, then asked if we'd met Eddie, a very shy, timid, long term resident.

Eddie looked like a meth tweaker. He was skinny, not much cop in the grooming department, had gloopy eyes, patches of fur missing and had about 4 teeth left in his entire head. He had a dazed look in his eye. The shelter lady told us he'd had most of his teeth out the day before and was still a bit spaced on painkillers. "People overlook Eddie because he's 8 years old and he's VERY shy" she said. Yeah, and he looks like a crackwhore. That probably puts people off a bit... He'd spent time as a stray and was in a bad way when he was found. He was a total scaredy cat and needed to be in a home where he could learn to come out of his shell.

We go round the shelter and look at all the other (more adorable) kitties. We ooh and ahh over the cute cats who come over to us for a fuss and don't look like Jeremy Kyle guests. But in the back of my mind I keep thinking "What about Eddie? He's a mess. No-one will want him." He'd already been there for months with no joy. Mr Kawaii is no fool. He knew straight away that, against my better judgement, I'd fall for the first pathetic charity case I found. "You want Eddie, don't you? Shall we give poor Eddie his forever home?"

Fast forward a few days. I'm in work and I get a phone call telling me that our furry, drug-addled bundle of joy is waiting for me at home. Eddie has been with us two months now and this is what I've learned in that short time:

1) Cats get prettier when you look after them. After a few weeks of decent food his coat went silky soft and less greasy looking. His eyes are still a goopy mess and he HATES having them cleaned. Especially when I accidentally poked him in the eye, didn't like that one bit.

2) Even the quietest kitty will scream in your face when they want feeding. They will then try to trip you up while you try to open the pouch of meaty mush as quick you can in order to get him to shut the eff up.

3) Cats fart, then leave the room. Enjoy.

4) You can spend your entire salary on fancy toys but it is the cat's perogative to ignore all the expensive crap you buy and refuse to play with anything other than string. Eddie doesn't like laser pens which is how I know he is dead inside and doesn't have a soul.

5) Getting a cat into a carrier is like trying to split an atom with a spoon. Eddie was so furious that we even ATTEMPTED to take him to the vet that he vomited all over our new rug. I swear to God I heard him cackling with glee as he ran off.

6) Sometimes a cat will take a dump with his butt hanging outside of the litter tray and there is nothing you can do about it. I can't even. Send help.

7) They will also time their poops in order for you to fully appreciate the aroma. Eddie knows I get home from work at 10.30pm. He could poop at 9pm so that the stench could die down, but nope. 10.20pm. Oh and he has a sensitive tummy so if I'm super lucky it will be diahorrea which is JUST GREAT.

8) Sometimes you will wake up and find the cat is resting his butthole directly on your chin. It happens.

9) Cats are not the affectionate, darling creatures I had been led to believe. If they don't want strokes, they get up, give you the old shitty eye, then turn their back on you. This happens frequently, especially to me. He'll sit with Mr Kawaii for hours on end, but if I go near him he buggars off.

10) Regardless of how old, ugly, boring, antisocial, skittish or annoying a cat is, if you let your guard down, it'll melt your heart. So don't show emotion around them, they see it as weakness and exploit your vulnerability by doing things like "being cute" or "showing affection".

Carly Kawaii xoxo

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